During the deepest crash of my fibromyalgia we were also going through lockdown, and the threat of what Covid might do to me in my already seriously depleted state was terrifying. Memories of that dark time came back recently as I began a new term with my community choir. I was immersed in singing one of our favourite songs Nkosi Sikelele (part of the South African National Anthem). Back in 2020, this was an experience I thought I would never have again. I had lost my voice and could barely stagger to the bathroom and back without my heart pounding and head swimming. The isolation and fear of lockdown made the idea of singing with my choir seem impossible too. Singing with this Glasgow choir also transported me further back to the exhaustion of young motherhood, which to my sorrow made the Scottish cèilidh music I love unbearably frantic.
Music has always been a huge part of my life as I have sung alone and in choirs, churches, and schools. Vinyl records, cassettes, CDs, iTunes created the soundtrack to my life. I sang to my babies, naturally singing up and down the scale as I carried them up and down stairs, or to sooth them to sleep at night. I sang as I trudged through housework to lift my mood, I belted out rock tracks like Black Sabbath's Paranoid to express my anger after terrifying shifts on the wards, and wept to Beethoven’s Adagio un Poco Mosso when in despair and needing to cry. I opened the car windows and poured my heart into Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus when I finally received notice that I had passed my PhD. When I finally achieved my dream of returning to Scotland after 20 years away, I sang Flower of Scotland with my daughter as we passed the Saltire road sign that marks the English Scottish border. There was a giddiness and joy to that moment that did not sit well with driving!
In my work now I am increasingly coming to see the therapeutic power of music as a part of recovery, as a means of tapping into and releasing painful emotions and memories, of giving voice to rage, but also of lifting the spirits and expressing joy that words can’t touch. Music opens the doors to creativity and imagination that have been shut down for years. The right song at the right time is like magic. Sometimes I can suggest a song, or a song will pop into my head in response to what someone says to me, but mostly, the right music is something that is deeply personal and something that we have to find for ourselves.
It is so easy, as we descend into the darkness of chronic exhaustion, to lose the music, or to narrow our listening habits and become stuck in playlists that reinforce our misery. I was shocked when my recovery practitioner suggested that I listened to music as I washed up. How could I have forgotten how much music had been as important part of my kitchen as the stove or sink? But then at my worst, I was unable to use that kitchen stove or sink either.
Music is now back to being a huge part of my life, whether I am singing in the shower, dancing at a concert, or weeping as I listen to music that helps me to grieve people and places I have lost. Is there music in your life too?
Recovery Tip
Spend 15 minutes exploring the music that speaks to you
- What is the music that speaks to, or for you, when you are feeling sad, despairing, proud, joyful?
- What is the music that takes you back to happy, carefree days?
- What are the songs that have got stuck in your head or make you laugh out loud?
- Does anything immediately come to mind?
- Try looking through your old music collection or playlists.
- What did you sing as a child and when?
- Do you remember themes from old TV programmes or adverts?
- Try surfing YouTube. Once you find something you like, the algorithm will suggest more and may surprise you.
- Just enjoy listening to those tracks for a while.
It would be wonderful if you could share some of your responses on my Facebook page, it’s amazing how the mind responds with new ideas and memories as we share each other’s experiences. If you do, please remember to follow, like and share my page and posts to help me reach more people who are currently stuck in the despair of chronic exhaustion.
