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One of the questions I am often asked is how you can help when you are watching a loved one drive themselves through their symptoms to a crash that you see coming, but they won’t acknowledge. Others ask the same question on behalf of loved ones who have already crashed, and seem lost in hopelessness and despair.

Some of these people are asking about loved ones with a chronic exhaustive condition, but others have such a condition themselves and are ‘pushing through’ too, as sick carers. They see no way out and dread the consequences of their own crash.

So, what can you do?

The hard answer is that you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink. Sometimes, nagging or even well-meant encouragement and support can make a person feel even more disempowered, or afraid and resentful. One of the worst aspects of chronic fatigue is its capacity to disempower and isolate sufferers, sending them into a downward spiral of immobility and misery. It is a hellish thing to watch, and often leads to enormous tensions and the breakdown of relationships.

If you are watching this process and want to make a difference in someone’s life, it is worth bearing in mind the words of Lorraine Bracco, the actress who played a psychiatrist in The Sopranos,

‘You can't change other people. You can only change yourself.’

What this quote doesn’t tell you is what happens next: when you change yourself, the effects ripple out, often in amazing and unexpected ways, and the people around you begin to change in response. I saw this during my own recovery as my children learned to respect and support me because I started respecting and caring for myself. They also began looking after themselves better, and are at a far lower risk now of following me into chronic exhaustion as a result. Role modelling really is the best teacher.


So what can you do?

  • Your concern shows that you are a kind and loving person. Acknowledge and celebrate that. Say it out loud as often as you need to, so you can hear the kind words others may not be giving you.
  • Focus on calming your own fears and meeting your own needs. Modelling self-care and calm is far more powerful than telling others what to do. If you haven’t already, download my Emotional Survival Kit to help you with this.
  • Find support for yourself
    • friends and family who are there for you, and you can talk openly to.
    • a support group, counsellor, coach, or carers’ charity like https://www.carersuk.org
  • Take some time to step into their shoes and try to understand where their resistance to change, or to accepting help, is coming from. Deep fear often prevents people from doing what seems obvious to outsiders, as does shame, especially if they always valued their strength, independence and invulnerability before becoming so ill. Don’t ask, but imagine how you would feel if you were suddenly incapacitated and told there is no hope for your future. Afraid? Angry? Useless? Discarded? Vulnerable? How would you feel if others kept telling you what to do? Compassion helps to dissolve your frustration and anger, and enables you to make better, less reactive choices in fraught situations.
  • Learn about family dynamics, co-dependency and the drama triangle, and ask yourself, how does what you do and say contribute to a repeating and fruitless pattern?
  • Learn about their illness (try my YouTube channel),  how it affects them, and why their symptoms and energy vary so much from day to day. Being able to walk and go out one day then be stuck to the sofa the next is a normal part of chronic exhaustion, not a sign of being lazy or dishonest.
  • Stop doing things for them that they are able to do for themselves, as it enables them to stay stuck. People don’t change unless they really need to.
  • Notice the negative conversations you get pulled into, and practise alternative responses. You might not be able to shift them into a positive space, but you can choose not to follow old negative patterns of conversation yourself.
  • Begin setting and maintaining boundaries for yourself, and remember that no is a complete sentence. If they are refusing help and relying on you or others to fill the gaps, it is absolutely OK to say no. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Try watching this video of Brenè Brown to see the power and kindness of developing strong boundaries.

This is just a brief note of where to start, and it is never easy to make these changes on your own. If you are encouraging your loved one to reach out and accept help, ask yourself, are you able to do the same, or are you also battling on alone? Think about booking a Discovery Call with me. I have spent years as a nurse and a carer as well as being ill and dependant, so I can offer a well-informed external perspective on your situation. I offer one-off sessions as well as coaching packages for carers who are struggling.