Maybe you are currently caught up in trying to create the perfect Christmas for everyone else. Are you afraid that dropping a ball will ruin it for everyone else, especially your children?
Maybe you are so exhausted that the misery comes from a constant awareness of all the things you used to do for Christmas, all the things you ‘should do, ‘ought to do’, or even want to do and can’t.
Where, in all of this, are your needs? You weren’t put on this earth as a helpful tool for making everyone else happy, for solving their problems. After all, it’s your Christmas too. You matter.
Creating some space for what you need this Christmas is all about setting some solid boundaries, so here are my top tips for making sure that you get the peace and joy that you deserve at Christmas.
1. Get clear what you want from Christmas this year. What do you need to say yes and no to?
If the question stumps you, imagine yourself as a Christmas candle. Say ‘Yes’ to what/who lights you up with energy and joy, and ‘No’ to what sucks the oxygen from your soul leaving you flickering and dim? This is the basic guide to recovery throughout the year and Christmas is a good time to start using it.
2. Notice when you tell yourself you should, ought or must do something. Ask yourself, Who says so and why? Whose interests is this in? How will this help me to recover? This is not being selfish; it is basic self-care. In asking these questions you are opening up the possibility of making a clear choice when you are asked to prioritise others over yourself. Self-sacrifice without choice, or with coercion is not self-sacrifice. It is abuse.
3. Plan and practise how you will say no, when, and to who.
Remember no is a complete sentence and you don’t have to justify it.
Say it with confidence and finality. Repeat as needed.
Notice who respects and supports you. Spend more time with them and their love will support your healing.
Notice who wheedles, cajoles or pressures you to do what they want. These are people who see you as a useful object not a person they love and respect. Avoid them. They are part of why you are ill.
3. To make the no easier, don’t offer openings for challenge.
Get in early with your own plans
Try saying, ‘I’m sorry but I already have plans. I hope you have fun.’
Stress your recovery not your illness:
‘I am doing so well in my recovery that I don’t want to undo that good work’, or, ‘I’m planning to enjoy a quiet Christmas this year while I focus on my recovery.’
The bottom line, though is still No to all that makes you feel ill and exhausted.
You have a right to rest, relaxation, joy, recreation, peace, fun, love, respect. These are not things that you have to earn or deserve.
Start planning the Christmas you need now and then let 2024 be your year of recovery. I’ll be on holiday, recharging my own batteries, until 8th January, but I’d love to hear from you in the new year and talk about how we can work towards making Christmas 2024 your best yet.
Give yourself the gift of some hope and support in your recovery and book your free 30 minute Discovery Call for the new year now.
